To Be or Not To Be - that is... the Question!

These days are interesting times when you get singly past the 30+ milestone…and the “M” word usually crops up in conversations with my erstwhile friends and even with strangers. I guess it’s a natural observation - you see a man with a thinning hair and flecks of grey and you begin to wonder – “Is he married or single?” Or for the more curiously minded “If he is single, why has he been single for so long?” Or “Perhaps, he was married before and it did not work out.” One may couch the inquisitive greeting in rehearsed mellifluousness, disguised concern or bare-faced bluntness, the fluff of propriety essentially points to the same three questions. Thankfully, not all my interactions with strangers go this self-same way; otherwise it would cement my inner secret reputation as a romantic fugitive for good.

Anyway to tip-toe around any notions of the joys of single-hood, I reluctantly registered on one of the many matrimonial websites that tease me every time I log onto a web site or my own personal email account. To begin with, writing my profile was a tentative ordeal in itself. How do you capture the essence of your self and especially parts of you that you are not completely aware of, but which others can see as clear as day while trying not to appear too smug? If I was really as good as I thought I was or others found me to be, I wouldn’t be here in the first place.

I draft the profile with pursed lips and self-doubt looking over my shoulder. Is this really going to work for me? I must be going slightly mad. Sure - I am the hottest bonafide unknown guy on the planet and the world of single women is just waiting for this super-hero to fly in and change their world….hmm… or at least one of them does. Guess what, honey, I am unlike any other man, you’ve ever met but I have to take this route to let you know!

Now there are three lucid messages in my profile for those who wish to read; one, that I am a pursuing man who loves Jesus Christ hoping to find a girl who loves Him deeply too… via this web-based route – (to boldly go into e-space where this man has not gone before!); two, that I love my vocation of serving marginalized people to the best of my ability and am sworn never to change it; and finally, that I will never, times infinity, migrate to any other country other than the one I was born in for reasons of a better way of life. As an aside, I cringe inwardly at the thought of self-promotion in this sphere, as if I had all the time in the world to go spouse-hunting.

But anyway, I have been on this site for close to two months with mixed results and more misses than hits. I get offers of interest from ladies who live in the US. I am tempted to think they expect me to fly there to meet them, replete with cape and body amour to protect me from the sub-zero atmospheric winds 30 miles up in the air. I also discovered that most women on these sites are interested in men who have never before been married, never had children, never had a clue about what they are looking for in a relationship or what a woman is about, and perhaps, never explored the similarities in values about life, love, vocation, faith and family - the more clueless the better! The order of the way of things was either hide-or-seek in e-space or chaotic pandephonium – texting till your fingers hurt. Why can’t we just dial the call and talk to each other instead of hiding behind a two inch liquid screen display with a radio-wave function and pretend it is an extension of ourselves?

And of course, why leave out the exhaustive list of “Great Expectations”. Expectations by common definition are “the act or state of looking forward or anticipating”. My personal favourite definition is “the degree of probability that something will occur.” In real terms this means the “act of looking forward” (in my control) to “something that has a probability of happening” (out of my control) but which by equal measure may not happen at all.

So we throw out the elements of common values and our shared humanity which favours attributes such as alleviation of human suffering, shared faith, caring for others, encouragement, fairness, forgiveness, generosity, good-faith, goodwill, listening to understand, pursuing of peace, purposeful dialogue, reconciliation, selflessness, truth-telling, and self-sacrifice and even negative emotions such are guilt, regret and remorse. Same differences - the silent gift that complimentarity and similarities give!

And settle instead for a mirage of attributes we think we would like to “see” in others - in watching for them, they will appear as if by magic. I was recently pinged by a bright young lady who was a merit scholar (it is highlighted in her profile) and she tabled these questions in her profile to describe the man who would be her ideal soul-mate. Pretty deep!

1) Are you a mature man who has a great sense of humor?
2) Are you someone who is a good person, truly good?
3) Are you someone who respects women and wants to respect his partner?
4) Are you large hearted enough to accommodate occasional childishness/playfulness in your mate?
5) Are you a confident man who is not insecure about his woman doing her own thing?
6) Are you presentable looking, well read, well informed, with excellent communication skills?
7) Do you have it in you to honour your word, come what may?
8) Are you legally divorced and have no liabilities from previous marriage?
9) Do you enjoy sound physical, mental, and spiritual health?
10) Are you someone who wants to take his decisions in consultation with his spouse?
11) Are you doing well in life, looking forward to a comfortable future?
12) Are you emotionally strong?
13) Are you sure you can be a faithful partner?
14) Are you honest in your relationships?
15) Are you the big, strong type who wants to care for his partner?
16) Are you in a position to marry right away, with no liabilities from your past relationship?
17) Are you willing to marry and settle for a life of bliss?

I thought I was going to have a bemused heart-attack as I read through the list! I am sure many men could say “yes” to some of these questions, even me. But for a man, let alone anybody, to be all of these things ALL of the time… would I suspect have to be utterly, the Perfect Spouse… a perfect man or a prefect liar.

The last time I checked into “my space”, I deleted my profile. I am going on an extended vacation and I don’t think the world of Alpha women will miss me much. And If I set my Beta male ego aside, I won’t miss them much either.

Here’s what I am going to do. Surrender…to God, His plans, His moments, His will…I am sure my princess will come someday…sooner than later I hope. But I am enjoying the journey to becoming more ‘me’ and more of the man she’d like me to be. I even have the imperfect M-word question, but that is a secret and for now, I am not telling.